Reflections of the Day

Easter Message

2007-04-09T18:39:00.000-07:00

During Holy Week I was channel surfing, and happened to pause on an interview of a minister who was apparently very well known.

Something he said in his closing remarks really stuck with me. And oddly enough, I didn't even hear it clearly, but the gist of the message stayed with me all week. It was something to the effect of whenever you believe that a part of you, or some aspect of your life is dead and gone, you can revive it, you can bring it back, and that is the true essence of Easter. It was something in the way he said it. It just made complete sense, and he said it in a way I could apply it to me and my every day life. I mean, I understand Easter; Jesus' death and resurrection, I do. But sometimes it just takes hearing it from a different perspective, at the right time in your life, to really "hear" it.

Which brings me to my recent outburst of writing, or this constant feeling that I need to write it all down. I used to journal, jot and write on a regular basis. I found it very therapuetic. It is definitly the healthiest way to burn stress energy I know. It is also an active creative outlet that I haven't had in years. I'm finding my voice again, and I do have something to say. Even though it had been dead and buried for years, with faith, action and commitment I can bring it back. Whatever time it needs, it needs. There is no deadline on this, I just know it needs to happen.

So thats where I am.

Letting Go

2007-03-30T18:58:00.000-07:00

Why is letting go so hard? Why do we, against all odds, continually try to remain in control? Our very human nature almost demands it of us. Isn't that what the Wright Brothers did when creating their flying machine - they were determined to harness the power of nature, and control it for their benefit. Isn't that what extreme surfers and skiers do, as they are helicoptered to their drop point, to ride the wave or mountain that was deemed "un-ridable." We build dams to control water, a jetty to control sand movement and we have playpens to control, (or try to), the 18month old - a true force of nature! Is this our way of saying, I can't let go, I know I can control this, I just try harder?

Whether it is letting go of your 10 month old as they take that first step, knowing they will fall and bump themselves, or letting your new "tweener" go to the movies with just her friends, and no chaperone, or letting your full blown teenager go off to school knowing he will make some major mistakes, why do feel the need to hover and protect them from the very chance of being hurt? If they never learn to recover, from the fall and re-commit and re-align themselves, they will fail miserably at their first life challenge and risk not getting back to where they were. All because we simply wanted to "keep them safe," resulting in controling their environment so they wouldn't be challenged, or get hurt.

How about letting go of a loved one? The supreme "LET GO." I watched my mother tell my brother, who had suffered from AIDS for many years, "it is okay, let go, you fought the good fight, you're tired and we understand, we love you, but its okay, just let go." I couldn't believe my ears, she had the strength and grace to basically give my brother permission to die. In fact, she was trying to make him comfortable while he let go. I was amazed and impressed, I had just had my second child, and I couldn't begin to imagine years down the road telling him it was okay to let go. But in this case, it was the right thing to do, and my mother was able to step up, find the strength and deliver what was needed to her son. She loved him enough to let go of him.

This past week, I lost a friend, 19 days after he found out he had cancer. He started off as "that coach," the one at the school, that everyone knows. Then he became my son's new coach,; then very quickly, he became my good friend. He was the most positive life force I had ever met. I was instantly grateful that this man was going to play a large part in my son's high school experience. There was not a better role model I could have hoped for my freshman, student athlete. This man didn't just coach the athlete, he cared about the whole person.

Then, much too quickly than I was ever prepared for, I had to explain to my son, that his mentor, coach, role model and our friend had died. Right then and there, in the glistening of my son's eyes, his Adam's apple swallowing down his grief and disbelief, I saw my son let go. In that instant, I realized he had let go of a piece of his youth, one of those last bits of "childhood." In that moment he entered, one foot in the door, the new, harsher realities of adulthood.

In general until that moment, he had led a fairly golden youth. One filled with great memories, most things coming fairly easy to him, a personality that lent itself well to making many female friends - truly friends though, not a lot of "relationships," he was too busy having fun and keeping it light.

He has been playing tag with the responsibilities of Your Junior Year in High School - taking the ever dreaded SAT, looking at colleges, paying attention, real attention, to his grades. Then, wanting to bail on it all. Big man on campus or not, he is still quick to impulsively jump into a neighborhood game of "capture the flag," he is the one boy always ready to volunteer to wear the crazy outfit; which usually involves a girls bathing suit for the class fundraiser, loves a good board game, and is always ready for an impromptu game of soccer in his best friend's back yard. He was definitely in that flirting, romantic phase of early adulthood. When you love the privileges it brings, but you are still learning to embrace the responsibilities that come with it.

He can be the man of the house when my husband is on travel, and then whine because I think four hours straight playing a Nintendo game is a bit excessive. He loves the privilege of driving, and takes it seriously, he helps us often with our family's hectic schedule, then sleeps 'til noon. It's a dance, and the new beat of adulthood is slowly creeping in to the rhythm of his life, and yet, the BOY in him was still alive and kicking!

Then Coach died; in an instant my son had to let go of the thought of ever seeing him again, playing for him again, getting an encouraging email from him again. He had to let go of his dream of playing all four years of high school under this man who he had come to respect and admire.

The day after coach died he was just being a kid, goofing with friends and team mates, playing touch football, trying to cheer each other up. When suddenly, in between cheering each other on, and talking smack to each other the next moment, there is an accidental clash of players, an awkward landing and he is on the ground and hurt. That night we thought it was just the normal, rough house, banged up bruises he gets on a regular basis. But when it kept him up all night - we hit the Dr's office early the next day.

Lo and behold, he really injured himself.... Now he is facing having to let go of a season of opportunity. The time when college coaches come to watch, make note, talk to and invite you to come visit... The worst time for a high school athlete aiming higher, striving for the new and improved label of "college athlete" to be unable to play.

The hard part for me? I can't fix this for him. I can't kiss it and make it better. I can only love and support him through it. I will encourage him to follow the doctor's orders, ask him to protect his shoulder and don't try to pretend it isn't hurting. I'll tell him to keep writing the coaches until we know the final verdict. I will encourage him to do whatever he can to stay in shape.

BUT I CANT CONTROL WHAT WILL HAPPEN, and it's one of the toughest life lessons to learn. I have to let go, and just let it be. It is what it is. But I don't want to let go, I want to block for him and buffer for him, and try to do whatever I can to ensure his dreams come true, but that won't work either.

Perhaps, from this challenge, he will discover new dreams, and achieve a new levels of confidence he didn't know he possessed. This can only happen if I let go. How will he learn to let go, if he never sees me letting go?

I now realize that letting go is directly related to confidence. If you have the courage to let go, it means you have the confidence to know that you'll be able to handle, get through, or even "beat" whatever happens as a result of your letting go. Holding on and trying to control it only reveals the biggest fear in life; maybe you won't be able to handle what happens beyond your control.

Once we admit that we are not in control, then the fear, that burden you carry - will suddenly be lifted from your weary arms. By letting go, it doesn't mean you don't care about anything. It means you care enough to let it go; just like my mom when she cared and loved enough to let go of my brother.

Coach couldn't control the cancer that ravaged his brain in 19 days, my son didn't know he was going to get hurt, and I can't control what life is going to throw at my son. I can only be the best parent I can, love him and support him at all times. Then I will cross my fingers and hope that as he faces challenges throughout his life, he will run his choices through the values and morals that we instilled in him and that he will do the right thing. He won't every time, and he will fall and get hurt. My hope is, when he gets up and dusts himself off, he'll be a little stronger, a little taller and a little closer to embracing his new, adult life. If he learns the dance of adulthood well, he will still be able to "let go" a little, and still be able to be silly, have fun, have the confidence to laugh at himself and goof like a kid now and then.

I was once told that the Chinese symbol for crisis is almost the same as the symbol for opportunity. In the crisis' of life, opportunity is born. It is then that we have the opportunity to rise above the situation and make the best of it. Bad things happen in life, how we respond to these thing reveals who we are as a person.

In the midst of the dark days of letting go of a man we all admired, and yea, loved, an amazing, beautiful thing happened. The community "let go" of their vacation plans, and gathered in an overwhelming sea of support. A group of people, not directly affiliated with our team, realized we couldn't do it all, and rallied in an amazing 24 hour time period. They gracefully produced a reception for all who came to say good bye and let go of coach.

Coaches across the state are "letting go" of their intense team pride and crossing the lines of small town rivalry by playing in a benefit "exhibition - friendly" fundraising game to help coaches family. Small restaurant owners are letting go of the the bottom line, and serving food at an incredible discount to help raise funds. Hundreds of families are going to let go of their busy schedule to attend the event. My son will let go of his usual role of a physically, active helper during this event and be a spectator (and supporter) in a new way. I will let go of my overwhelming desire to run the event, do everything I can to ensure it is an overwhelming success and just help spread the word from my computer at work.

In that communal moment of letting go, I'm hoping the crowds of people there saying good bye and letting go of coach will see the beauty and the love that resulted from his letting go of his place here on earth.

I hope they will see that truly, in the midst of the storm, light is just ahead, we only have to let go of our fear and look for it.

Hopefully, they will see it. I know Coach did, in fact, he saw it in everyone he met, and everything he did, simply because he was always looking for it.

Let go, and search, you'll find it because it's always been there.

Balance

2007-03-10T13:29:00.000-08:00

WOO HOO the sun is out - finally.

Its a normal day around my house - a list of "things to do" that is too long but one can hope (which by the way, this making a blog thing totally wasn't on the list), only 6 or 7 obligations this weekend 6 of which are kid related and yes, probably involve a referee.

But hey, don't slam me and call me a soccer/lax/basketball mom with that judgemental, I know women like her, look on your face. My kids (and myself, for that matter) could be doing a lot worse things this weekend, and we're not! Besides, I'm convinced that watching your kids run around, work up a good sweat - can, by some feat of osmosis, burn calories off my body at the same time! - Yep, scientific thoughts included for free!

So, yea I'm going to give this blog thing a try. Not so sure what it is really all about; but it seems to be the thing to do/try these days, and I'm not gonna be left behind.

I could be one of thousands of moms out there. Always keeping several balls in the air, probably volunteer beyond my time availability, trying to always be sure it's "even" when it comes to my kids, recently went back to work, because the kids are older now, so its okay, right? -- married to a great guy for me, etc., type of mom, you know her, you live beside her, or maybe you are her.

Read between the lines; we are women who are -- trying to do 30 hours in a 24 hour day, love work when I'm there, love home when I'm there - still trying to get that whole "balance" thing down. Yea, and about that, who was the person that said you have to have balance in your life? Wouldn't it be boring if all art was symmetrical? Isn't the clown who precariously wobbles off balance on the top of a huge, tacky dressed up, elephant the thing that entertains us at the circus? Who doesn't gasp with excitement when the gymnast wobbles on the beam, and then catches themself and executes a great dismount...

Truly, I think this balance thing may be overrated. In continually striving for it, I sometimes find that I am missing out on life that is smack right in front of me.

Am I the only mom that hears this innate, resonating growl inside me that says, "you've worked for your boss, but what have you done for your home" the second I walk in the door? And, am I the only mom that (at times) is spurred on to be in full throttle, sudden super woman mode: cooking, in between throwing in laundry, picking up things off the steps as I run up to change, grabbing whatever I can that needs laundering as I come down stairs... and then suddenly, in the blink of a TV channel change, it's 9:00 pm, I'm grumpy and I'm not sure why.

Didn't I do the right thing? - wasn't I striving for that ever evasive sense of calmness and peace that is supposed to fill you (picture soft blend focus and shining light behind me) when you achieve... b a l a n c e ? Didn't I do what the feminists marching in the 70's say we could do -- EVERYTHING? Then why the moping feeling of missing out? Perhaps because I did the THINGS I was supposed to do, but I wasn't really WITH the people I'm supposed to be with, not REALLY with them, yea, they were around when I was in hyper mode vacuuming, but, strangely enough, they weren't into hanging out with me then (??)

Luckily, for me, the growling voice of "perfect woman" inside my head doesn't win to often, and yea, my house doesn't shine all the time, and yea, I laugh till I almost pee sometimes goofing my kids or just watching their antics -- Doesn't your family have rousing balloon volleyball over the coffee table round robins?

Or is this JUST DO IT - HAVE BALANCE in your life stuff just a bunch of wives tales started by the first wives who thought it would be funny to watch us poor souls chase our tails for the rest of our motherhood / life?

OR, maybe, just maybe, does balance REALLY mean, find balance within yourself? Maybe the balance that is really needed is being able to identify what is most important to you, and then being able to know what is too much of anything on a given day, and roll with it, guilt free.

Will I ever go to my deathbed wishing I had scrubbed the kitchen floor before my kid's friends saw that it? Do I really believe that I will somehow regret that my friends popped in one night and saw I hadn't finished the dishes?

There are rules in life to live by, that is for sure, but sometimes bending the rule, to ensure that the spirit of the rule is kept in focus might be the right thing to do.

I will go to my maker one day, as we all will, and I believe I will experience a hyper fast re-wind on my life.

When that happens, I am VERY CERTAIN thatI will wish
- there was 5 more minutes of laughing at reality TV, or anything that cracks us up
with kid # 2.

- 5 more minutes of letting # 3 do my hair, or, if I was really lucky, # 3 letting me
do HER hair.

- Gosh, 5 more minutes with the oldest just talking, as the eldest tends not to talk
as much lately, 'cause you know, it ain't cool to talk to yo mom... :)

I also know I would yearn for more time with my husband, and it wouldn't be that ever negotiating the schedule conversation, it wouldn't be the time I've been stubborn, just because I wanted him to admit I was right, it wouldn't be 5 more minutes of the holiday compromise - which family for which vacation? Heck, it might not even be 5 more minutes (who am I kidding) of that wonderful, early in love, tumble around and wrinkling a sheet time. It would be 5 minutes of just being together, walking together and reflecting on all we should be grateful for.

And then, hopefully, just before the big guy calls me home, then it would happen it would come -the peace that comes - guaranteed - when one feels grateful, of anything and everything they have ever had, the time when you realize that it was all a gift, and it needs to be appreciated and embraced - whether or not - it was all "balanced!"

So these thoughts are my musings on balance. Yes, it may be good to strive for a healthy balance in your life, as long as the race to achieve it doesn't makes you forget what you were striving for in the first place!

Hopefully, after I sign off and get back to life, lists and my kids, I'll find it - you know, that balance thing. I may have it for awhile today and then again, I might loose it tomorrow, but I'll open my eyes and find it again. That is, if I am truly looking for it in all the right places.

Be grateful - it makes you happy. Happy people are fun and successful people.

Have a great day!